The Bachelors recap episode 6: Jesss polyamory, open relationship creates bizarre love triangle

Sit down and buckle up because The Bachelors’ polygamous sweetheart Jess’s boyfriend Damien has turned up, and can giant Bachelor Felix’s fragile ego handle it? The short answer is no.

Straight away, we see Jess meet up with her boyfriend Damien, and they smooch and confess they’ve missed each other. You know a producer is rubbing their hands together with glee.

It cuts to 24 hours beforehand, and Bachelors Thomas and Felix are walking along the beach. Felix is discussing his clan of ladies and how is he is becoming more emotional. Felix is even wearing a shirt! Considering he treats his entire life like a wet T-shirt competition this seems like growth.

Felix also realises that he is the reason he hasn’t been in a relationship for ages – babe, one session with a qualified therapist could have told you that.

Thomas loves seeing Felix’s growth and says lots of things that you’d imagine your yoga teacher would say. I can only imagine that third Bachelor Jed is at Jay Jays buying some fun graphic T-shirts and has no time for a beach walk.

Osher turns up at the girls’ mansion and announces there’s a new group date. The problem with the group dates remains the same. Only about six girls get airtime, but about 43 women get invited. Osher drops the bomb that their best mate or family member from home will join them today, and everyone is very excited except for Jess.

Jess is a nervous wreck because she’s invited her partner Damien. If they were in a typical open relationship this wouldn’t be that weird, but instead, they are in an unusual one — in the fact it has become obvious that Jess is going to pick either Damien or Felix.

Jess is running her very own Bachelorette show in the middle of The Bachelors. Naturally, she’s exhausted and stressed at the thought of her two-men meeting.

Everyone’s buzzing about seeing their family members, but only so they have fresh blood to tell about the Jess/Felix/Damian love triangle. I’d throw my sister out of the way to get a chance to watch an interaction between Felix, Damian and Jess.

Jess keeps saying, “I don’t want two partners at the end of this!” And look, I hate to say it, but then why did you go on a dating show when you have a boyfriend?

Jess starts hyperventilating as soon as she sees Damien. The producers keep trying to cut to the other girls, but no one cares. Even Leah telling her sister she’s smitten with Thomas isn’t slightly interesting. Shut up, Damian is here!

Damian is devastated to know that Jess could be getting proposed to, he tells her it makes him feel very “uneasy, because we haven’t broken up.” Well, that is the crux of it. Jess tells him that it scares her as well. But sweetie, you got on this rollercoaster, and now everyone else is trapped.

Thomas, Jed and Felix arrive, and Thomas swans in like a coastal grandma in linen, happily waving to everyone.

Felix is dying from stress. Felix and Damian meet, and then immediately Felix runs away because it is too awkward. Jess is acting very anxious and pretending she didn’t fill out a long application to get here.

Everyone sits down for a dysfunctional family lunch. Damian and Felix start chatting, and it is awful. Felix keeps telling Damian and Jess that the whole thing is very “foreign” to him and, sir, it is an open relationship you haven’t gone to live in China.

Finally, Alesia admits she’s annoyed that the group date has turned into the Damian/Felix/Jess show. Alesia, you could complain more, but you are boring, so the producers were forced to bring out Damian.

Damian tells the table that he only wants to be with one person. Why on earth did these two open up their relationship? He tells everyone that, “I want Jess to choose me.”

Felix says he wishes he was open enough to ditch the shackles of monogamy, and Damian points out that he is already dating everyone.

Jess says she wants to have a monogamous relationship when she finds her person. She also says she wants to have contact with Damian if she ended up with Felix. Felix asks if it would be sexual. And Jess doesn’t give him a solid answer. Felix is seething and everyone else is just confused.

Felix runs away to get a strong drink. “What the f**k do I do with Jessica’s boyfriend?” he asks a producer. I assume the producer had to control themselves and not shout back, “take your shirt off and fight him, please!”

Damian corners Felix and asks him what his intentions are with Jess. He tells Felix that he loves Jess and has loved her since they met. Felix is rattled but tells Damian that he can also see a future with Jess. Where is Jess and why are two men pretending they can decide her future for her?

Damian tells him that this is awesome – it doesn’t feel awesome.

Jed’s band starts to play randomly, and no one cares because it is all about the love triangle of the century. Could he please shhh?

Finally, we move on to the single dates. Felix and Jess have a one-on-one date in a very dark room. Instead of mood lighting the producers have gone with no lighting.

Felix tells Jess that Damian is in love with her. Jess tells him that Damian will be OK if she and Felix end up together. Finally, Jess hints that she’d pick Felix over Damian – the whole thing is very messy.

Thomas and Jasmine go on a date to a waterfall and they make out. Jasmine tells him she’s a sexual person, and Thomas tells her he likes sex and is a man of service. It is cringe but somehow still boring. I miss when she was fighting with Tash for Jed.

Jess cries to a producer about Damian and how important he is to her! Damian seeks clarity with Jess. “Baby why are you on a reality dating show if we love each other?” OK, he doesn’t quite say that but it is the gist. After solving nothing they kiss goodbye, and both say they love each other.

Krystal and Felix go on their solo date, and Felix is too stressed about Damian to concentrate and they struggle for conversation.

More Coverage

The rose ceremony is once again a non-event. Jess refuses to give a solid answer about what she will do about her relationship with Damian but she isn’t going anywhere.

Jess gets a rose, and some chick named Zara goes home.

Well, at least no one ran away in this episode.

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